Trauma Bonding – Why Victims Stay Attached to Their Abusers

In the field of trauma psychology, one of the most paradoxical and painful phenomena is trauma bonding, a deep emotional attachment that develops between a victim and the perpetrator of abuse. This attachment often keeps individuals trapped in destructive relationships long after they become aware of the harm being done to them. Understanding trauma bonding requires exploring both the psychological and neurobiological mechanisms that sustain it.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

The term trauma bonding was introduced by Patrick Carnes (1997) to describe the strong emotional ties that develop between two people where one person intermittently abuses, manipulates, or controls the other. The bond is strengthened through a cycle of abuse followed by affection, remorse, or promises of change. These moments of tenderness and “hope” activate the same neural reward circuits that are involved in addiction, making the victim emotionally dependent on the abuser.

Trauma bonding is common in relationships involving domestic violence, childhood abuse, narcissistic dynamics, and even workplace bullying. The victim may appear to “choose” to stay, but in reality, they are often trapped by psychological conditioning and neurochemical dependency.

The Neurobiology of Attachment and Fear

Research in neuropsychology shows that trauma bonding activates the same systems that underlie secure attachment. The oxytocin-dopamine system which normally helps people form bonds and trust is paradoxically engaged even when the relationship involves harm. During moments of abuse, the brain’s stress response floods the body with cortisol and adrenaline. When the perpetrator later shows remorse or affection, the brain releases oxytocin and dopamine, creating a sense of relief and connection. This alternating pattern of fear and reward mirrors the same mechanism seen in intermittent reinforcement, which is known to create extremely strong behavioral conditioning (Schore, 2003; Porges, 2011).

As a result, victims often report that the relationship feels “intense,” “special,” or “impossible to leave,” even when rationally they know it’s destructive.

The Psychological Dynamics

At the core of trauma bonding lies a power imbalance and emotional dependency. The perpetrator often alternates between cruelty and care breaking the victim’s self-esteem, then temporarily restoring it. Over time, this dynamic reshapes the victim’s internal world:

• Shame and guilt replace healthy self-worth.

• Fear of abandonment becomes stronger than fear of abuse.

• The victim develops a distorted sense of responsibility, believing they must “save” or “heal” the abuser.

• The bond becomes a survival strategy, not a conscious choice.

  
  

For individuals with a history of childhood trauma, the cycle can feel unconsciously familiar. If love and safety were mixed with fear and control early in life, the nervous system learns to associate intensity with attachment. This leads to re-traumatization in adulthood repeating relational patterns that feel both painful and “home-like.”

Breaking the Cycle

Healing from trauma bonding requires both psychological insight and body-based recovery. The goal is not simply to “leave” the perpetrator, but to rebuild internal safety and autonomy. Evidence-based therapeutic approaches include:

• Psychoeducation: understanding the mechanisms of trauma bonding helps reduce self-blame.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic therapies: to process the physiological components of trauma and re-regulate the nervous system.

• Therapeutic relationships: building safe attachment with a therapist helps replace the old pattern of fear and dependency with trust and self-agency.

• Gradual exposure to autonomy; through small, consistent acts of self-care and boundary setting.

  
  

Recovery is not linear. Victims often experience ambivalence, longing, and grief. But with consistent support and trauma-informed therapy, the nervous system can relearn what safety and love truly feel like.

Why Victims Don’t “Just Leave”

It’s essential to understand that trauma bonding is not a sign of weakness it’s a neurobiological and psychological survival response. When the brain associates safety with the very person who causes pain, detachment feels like death. That’s why victims may defend the abuser, minimize the abuse, or feel guilty for leaving. Recognizing these reactions as symptoms of trauma not personality flaws is a crucial step in healing.

Summary

Trauma bonding is not a matter of poor choices or “toxic love.” It is the tragic result of how the human brain and body adapt to prolonged fear and intermittent reward. Healing requires understanding, compassion, and professional help but most importantly, it requires the restoration of one’s right to feel safe, respected, and free.

References

• Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications.

• Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. Norton.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton.

• Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.

• Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Harvard University Press.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.