Not Every Parent Loves Their Child - A Taboo That Destroys Generations
- Trainer Misfit
- Jun 11
- 4 min read
Parental love has long been considered one of the strongest and most natural emotional instincts in human beings. The culturally entrenched image of the mother and father as unconditionally loving caregivers is omnipresent in literature, art, and public discourse. Yet developmental psychology and psychiatry provide evidence that this image is far from universal. There are parents who do not feel love for their children - for biological, psychological, or social reasons. Though uncomfortable, this subject holds significant clinical and social importance, as the absence of parental love carries serious consequences for a child’s psychological development and, later, for their adult relationships.
The aim of this article is to introduce the phenomenon of a lack of parental love in light of contemporary psychological and psychiatric research, to discuss its causes, mechanisms, and its consequences for future generations.
Parental Love in Light of Neurobiology and Psychology
Parental love is not merely an abstract emotional construct but a phenomenon with a well-documented neurobiological basis. Neuroimaging studies using fMRI have shown that in emotionally healthy mothers, contact with their own child activates areas of the brain associated with reward, empathy, and emotional bonding particularly the nucleus accumbens and the cingulate gyrus (Bartels & Zeki, 2004). This mechanism is similar to the reactions observed in individuals who are romantically in love, though it includes a caregiving component.
However, this reaction is not universal among all parents. The phenomenon of maternal rejection was described as early as the 1960s by John Bowlby (1969) in his attachment theory research. Bowlby indicated that children raised by emotionally cold or rejecting mothers often struggle to form secure attachments, leading to difficulties in their emotional functioning later in life.
Why Do Some Parents Not Love Their Children?
1️⃣ Psychopathology in Parents
The most common cause of a lack of parental love involves untreated mental health or personality disorders in the parents. Clinical research shows that mothers with postpartum depression, borderline personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder may have difficulty experiencing genuine love for their child (Paris, 2004; Cummings et al., 2005).
These disorders affect the ability to empathize, regulate emotions, and form stable relationships. As a result, the child becomes not a source of joy, but a projection of the parent’s own deficiencies or an emotional burden.
2️⃣ Intergenerational Trauma
Parents who themselves did not experience love in childhood often struggle to show it to their own children. This phenomenon is known as intergenerational trauma or transgenerational transmission. Research by Daniel Siegel and Mary Main (1996) demonstrated that individuals with a disorganized attachment style are more likely to replicate emotional rejection patterns with their own children.
3️⃣ Cultural and Social Parenting Norms
In certain cultures and social environments, it is still believed that a child should be raised with a "firm hand," and that excessive displays of affection might weaken their character. This belief fosters emotional distance between parent and child, often resulting in a lack of authentic feeling.
What Is Life Like for a Child Without Parental Love?
Children raised by emotionally indifferent, cold, or rejecting parents often develop emotional disorders and difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Longitudinal studies have shown that a lack of parental love increases the risk of depression, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and addiction problems in adulthood (Johnson et al., 2006).
From a psychological perspective, these children frequently develop what Donald Winnicott termed the false self, a defense mechanism involving the suppression of one’s own needs and emotions in favor of adapting to external expectations (Winnicott, 1965). In adulthood, these individuals often struggle to form healthy, close relationships and may experience chronic feelings of emptiness and emotional inadequacy.
Taboo and the Social Invisibility of the Problem
One of the most significant challenges surrounding the absence of parental love is its social invisibility. Society is reluctant to acknowledge that not every parent loves their child. Children growing up in such households rarely receive adequate support because, on the surface, the family may appear functional, with no visible violence or neglect.
This is referred to as silent emotional abuse, which often remains undetected for years. Its effects typically emerge only in adulthood when individuals seek out psychotherapy to address symptoms of depression, anxiety, or relational difficulties.
Consequences for Future Generations
The lack of parental love does not end with the child’s adulthood. Individuals raised without genuine love frequently repeat these patterns with their own children. Even when they consciously declare an intention to raise their children differently, deeply rooted emotional patterns and attachment styles often unconsciously shape their parental behavior.
Studies on intergenerational trauma have shown that the absence of love and emotional rejection can be transmitted through three, even four, generations (Yehuda et al., 2016).
Conclusion
The phenomenon of parental love deprivation is a serious psychological issue whose consequences are felt not only by individuals but by society as a whole. It requires greater public awareness and inclusion in mental health prevention programs, parenting support initiatives, and emotional education.
Acknowledging the fact that not every parent loves their child does not mean undermining the value of parenthood. On the contrary, it allows us to recognize and name the problem where silence once reigned. Only then can we break the chain of intergenerational trauma and create a space for healthy emotional relationships in the future.
References:
Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2004). The neural correlates of maternal and romantic love. NeuroImage, 21(3), 1155-1166.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss. Basic Books.
Cummings, E. M., Davies, P. T., & Campbell, S. B. (2005). Developmental psychopathology and family process: Theory, research, and clinical implications. Guilford Press.
Johnson, J. G., Cohen, P., Chen, H., Kasen, S., & Brook, J. S. (2006). Parenting behaviors associated with risk for offspring personality disorder during adulthood. Archives of General Psychiatry, 63(5), 579-587.
Paris, J. (2004). Personality disorders over time: Precursors, course, and outcome. American Psychiatric Pub.
Siegel, D., & Main, M. (1996). Adult attachment, unresolved trauma and dissociation. In Attachment theory and clinical practice.
Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment. International Universities Press.
Yehuda, R., et al. (2016). Holocaust exposure induced intergenerational effects on FKBP5 methylation. Biological Psychiatry, 80(5), 372-380.
